The Quiet Weight of “I Could Have Been More”

Growing Up With Less, But Not Feeling Less

I grew up in a small city in Haryana.

We weren't rich. My parents struggled financially. We were four siblings.

And yet, my childhood didn't feel deprived. It felt full.

• My sisters grew up, got married, and now have children.
• My elder brother is caring, settled, and working as a product manager.
• There was always a sense of family, even if things weren't perfect.

I wasn't the most outgoing kid. I stayed in my shell.

But I was always capable.

The First Big Proof: Cracking the System

Without access to elite coaching, without a polished environment, I prepared mostly on my own.

And I cracked one of the toughest exams in the country.

I got into IIT.

That moment quietly built a belief:

“If I really try, I can do big things.”

I carried that belief with me.

But I didn't realize something important at the time: getting in was one thing. Becoming something there was another.

The IIT Phase: Where Confidence Broke

At IIT Roorkee, everything changed.

Suddenly, everyone was smart, everyone had potential, and everyone seemed more confident and more polished.

And I shrank.

• I didn't network well.
• I didn't push myself academically.
• I didn't participate much socially.
• I stayed in my comfort zone.

It wasn't that I had no friends. I did.

But deep down, I always felt:

“I'm missing something others have.”

That quiet insecurity became part of me.

And before I knew it, four years passed.

Not wasted, but definitely not used the way they could have been.

Career: Drifting, Not Driving

Despite everything, I still landed good opportunities.

I worked at Amazon as a software engineer. Now I'm working at a startup.

From the outside, it looks like a solid trajectory.

But internally, it feels very different.

Because I know:

• I didn't build strong fundamentals.
• I didn't push myself deeply.
• I didn't create anything career-defining.

I got through, but I didn't maximize.

The Personal Side: Where It Hurt More

Throughout this journey, relationships also shaped me.

Something bad happened in a relationship that hurt deeply.

That didn't just hurt emotionally. It amplified something already inside me:

insecurity

I started questioning my worth, my attractiveness, and my value compared to others.

Even later, when I tried to rebuild by moving cities and trying to create a different life, it didn't fully go away.

The Present: Figuring Stuff Out

Right now, I'm figuring stuff out.

And yet, I often feel behind my peers, stuck in my career, unsure of my direction, and constantly comparing.

My friends seem to earn more, work on better problems, and look more successful from the outside.

And my mind keeps repeating:

“You could have been so much more.”

The Comparison Loop

This is where everything tightens.

Every day, small triggers show up: someone switching to a better company, someone earning more, someone doing impactful work.

And instantly:

“I'm behind.”

But what's actually happening is this: I'm comparing their visible outcomes with my internal struggles and full history.

And of course, I lose that comparison. Every time.

The Regret Beneath It All

If I'm honest, most of this pain comes from one place:

“I didn't make the most of my IIT years.”

That thought follows me everywhere.

So when I see someone doing well, it's not just:

“They're ahead.”

It's:

“That could have been me.”

And that's what makes it heavy.

The Desperation Phase

Lately, this has turned into urgency.

I feel like I need to switch jobs fast, prove myself, and catch up.

There's a constant pressure:

“Do something big. Now.”

But instead of helping, this desperation makes me anxious, breaks my focus, and makes everything feel harder.

The Realization

After sitting with all of this, something became clear.

The problem is not lack of intelligence, lack of opportunity, or lack of ability.

The problem is:

inconsistency + comparison + low self-belief under pressure

A Different Way to Look at It

Maybe my life is not wasted.

Maybe it is delayed.

I didn't optimize early.

But I also didn't end anything.

I'm still here. Still capable. Still aware.

The Shift That Matters

Instead of asking:

“Why am I behind?”

I'm trying to ask:

“Am I moving forward today?”

Instead of:

“I need to fix everything.”

I focus on:

“What's one thing I won't skip today?”

No big plans. No overwhelming goals.

Just a minimum standard: a little effort, done consistently.

Handling Comparison Differently

Comparison still comes.

But now, I try to respond differently:

• “This is comparison thinking.”
• “I don't know their full story.”
• “If there's something to learn, I'll take it.”
• “Otherwise, I move on.”

It doesn't disappear. But it doesn't control me the same way.

Rebuilding Confidence

I used to think confidence was something I lacked.

Now I see it differently.

Confidence is not personality. It's evidence.

And I'm slowly building that evidence again by showing up, even when I don't feel like it, even in small ways.

What This Phase Really Is

This doesn't feel like success.

But maybe it's not failure either.

Maybe it's the phase where awareness has finally caught up with potential.

And that phase is uncomfortable.

Because now I can see what I didn't do, I can feel what I want, but I haven't yet built the discipline to bridge the gap.

Final Thought

I'm 26.

Not at my peak. Not at my end.

Just in a phase where things are unclear, emotions are strong, and direction is still forming.

And maybe that's okay.

Because if I stay consistent, even imperfectly, this won't be the story of:

“I could have been more.”

It will become the story of:

“I became more, even if it took longer than expected.”